That's all that life can be, you know? If I could have done this... It would have been this way... It should still be here. Out of all the times I've talked about Ellanoir's death, my conversation always ends the same-wrapped in guilt. Let me feel guilty. I believe it's perfectly healthy for me to feel this way. It makes me feel as if I can find clarity in how I had to make a decision to euthanize her. I know in my post of she's the reason, I left you on a cliff hanger. I didn't leave you there for long. I left you long enough in hopes that you would read up to this point, respectfully.
Six years ago in 2018, Randi had called me while I was at work. She told me there was bruising on Ellanoir's belly and was concerned. I told her to take her to the vet and I would get off of work as quickly as I could to come home. This was the time I had come off the road from driving with CDL's. That was a short-lived dream as it wasn't for me. I couldn't get off of work, but Randi kept me updated with text messages. The last one ended with a phone call. Randi explained to me the vet said it was possible to be ITP but did not conclude that was the definite diagnosis. We were faced with three options: steroids, blood transfusions, or euthanasia. At the time, Ellanoir's platelet count was 40K and declining. At that time, we opted for steroids. It was about 2 months' worth of a battle with weekly bloodwork to see the improvement of her count going up 40, 60,90, etc. Our vet, who I had taken all of my animals to for years failed us. Instead of proceeding to tell us that it was in fact ITP (immune-mediated thrombocytopenia); they led us to believe that it was a possible allergy from her new food of which contained blueberries. Instead of telling us that this was a lifelong condition and educating us on this autoimmune disorder, they handed us the bill and told us to have a good day.
Here's where my shoulda, coulda, wouldas come into play. We should have been better educated on Ellanoir's condition. We could have managed a workup plan to keep her ITP on track. She would still be here to this very day. Instead, on April 16th, I had to decide to euthanize my sweet baby. You think all of my shoulda, woulda, couldas are bad? What's even worse is where my guilt lies. I feel like I didn't advocate well enough for Ellanoir 6 years ago. That's the hard truth of it all. I know it won't last for long. This feeling. That's the part of my grief that I've come to terms with. I won't speak too much on this matter because I feel as though this is something that us, as pet parents fail to do. No, I'm not saying that it is our fault as there are many factors that contribute to this. You'll need to read more on this because I want you to know that you are doing all that you can. You're doing a great job. There is nothing you could or can do that would have any effect on the long-term effect of how life plays out.
My shoulda, woulda, couldas are the result of my grief. As you can tell I want to bring awareness by advocating for Ellanoir and others who have just gotten the news of their companion's diagnosis. All of those grief filled shoulda, woulda, couldas are turning into something so beautiful in my baby's memory. I know that somewhere out there; there is some 9-year-old kid, someone who is working tirelessly to provide for their family, someone who has just lost their spouse, who finds those 'happy tappies' with their companion. I understand that what I'm doing is not tragically lifesaving, but if I could bring awareness and help others who are in need with their companions, I can save those grief filled shoulda, woulda, couldas.
I battled with myself for many nights after Randi and I didn't come home with our sweet baby girl. I didn't feel like this whole purpose had a point. I didn't know where this feeling was coming from. Was it out of grief? Was it out of guilt? Did I think that all of my effort trying to raise awareness was going to bring back my beautiful, sweet girl? No. I decided to pursue this mission because of the curiosity that had taken hold of me. Truth be told, there is not much awareness of this autoimmune disorder. There are too many shoulda, woulda, couldas with ITP. I'm ready to pay it forward. I want to save the grief filled shoulda, woulda, couldas of that 9-year-old kid, that someone who is working tirelessly to provide for their family, and that someone who has just lost their spouse. Ellanoir gave me a purpose and I'll keep pushing forward until my lungs give out.
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