I never put that specific phrase into my everyday life cycle. I think we're wired to live day by day. The other saying goes, "live everyday as if it were you last." That's where I get conflicted. If I'm supposed to live everyday as if it were my last, then when will I know it's my time to die? The same goes for our companions. I think that's why I'm so eaten up with guilt about the death of my sweet girl. Did I play a role in her fate? The truth is, yes, I did. Some of us are chosen to help with the fate of our companions. That's the reason why grief and guilt hit so hard. The two become so overbearing that we lose sleep, our appetite decreases, and sometimes, it is even a task to wash our hair or even get out of bed.
I would like to think I was given grace the day after I helped Ellanoir find her fate. While I did lose appetite, I was able to sleep. A few tears before I shut my eyes, but I found peace in my sleep. I didn't dream. I think Ellanoir allowed me a blank slate so I could rest my body. I won't lie, though. She has been a constant thought in my mind, all day. The first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. My thoughts tend to vary. I think about our trip at the vet before I sealed her fate with euthanasia. I think about all of the memories we had together. Like how she would let out the littlest whimper because she wanted to cuddle on the couch. Even how she would aggravate Maverick and chase him around the kitchen island after they returned from outside.
The day Randi and I drove to Georgia and met our sweet, furry companion, Ellanoir, I never thought that the living thing that had made her perch in the most awkward position on my neck would die. Even if I tried to think of it, I would blur it out like the bad vision I have when driving in the rain at night. Let's face it. Our companion's time is so short in the living realm. We can't predict the forecast of 10 to 15 years. So that's where we have to let our companions live everyday as it was their last. Dropped a piece of bacon? Let it be. They had an accident in the house? It happens - let it be. You bathed them and they rolled around in mud right after? Let them be reckless from time to time. Let them run in an open field (while being monitored of course). It's their nature. Let them have a little extra freedom.
Remember, they will die. That is their fate. We can surely help them over rainbow bridge because that is their definite destination. I know I spoke about this a few times prior in my previous blog posts. As I only speak from experience. Ellanoir looked straight into my soul three times in her nine years on the living realm. The first, when we got home with her on the first night. That was the night I would like to think our souls bonded and she imprinted on me. The second, is when she had her litter of healthy puppies. That was the look of trust. As we all know first time mothers are very skeptical of who handles their littles. Last, was when we said our goodbye. It wasn't a typical goodbye look. It wasn't a scared look. She didn't shiver. She didn't even try to jump back into my arms as she often did when we were at the vet. It really was the look of trust. She trusted me with her fate. That was also included in the two times prior to that. Every time she had given me that look, it was the look of trust. What an honor it is to feel that with a companion.
When we brought home Ellanoir's remains- we carefully examined all of her included items from the crematory for companions. Truthfully, we inspected everything - including all the papers. Enclosed was a brochure pertaining the loss of a faithful pet and handling grief. In section 5 of the brochure there is something that took ahold of me and I have been learning how it all intertwines with life and death. Here is an excerpt of the brochure- section 5 to be specific:
Remember that all living things die. There is not always an answer to why bad things happen and you do not have to find someone (yourself or others) or something to blame. Realize that sometimes you are powerless and that you cannot control everything that happens to your loved ones. What you can control is how you choose to respond to the events that happen in your life.
Truthfully, the loss of Ellanoir was something that happened and it was bad. I spend some days battling myself over who is to blame over her fate. Was it me because I had to choose? Was it the Urgent Vet who had to put her at ease? Was it the vet we entrusted with all of our companions 6 years ago? Whoever it was, it's irrelevant. No matter who or what it was - Ellanoir's fate was sealed in a box - on that last truck ride home. It was an honor to help her with her fate. I was entrusted to give her the best 9 years of her life and I never regretted letting her eat the pieces of chicken that fell from my plate or the puddle accidents that I had to clean up.
I am also considering how I felt in the passing of her. While I have a wife and our marriage is something that is beautiful and we have other faithful companions, I still felt alone and empty. The grief had eaten at me for a good solid week. We also received another brochure that consisted of a number for a 24/7 grief support hotline. If you are ever feeling overwhelmed with guilt or grief and feel like it's too tiring to brush your teeth, please reach out to them. The Pet Compassion Careline is 1 (855) 245-8214. Realize you are not the only one that feels like this. There is nothing you could do or have done to change the fate of your companion.
Between Hello and Goodbye, there was love. So much love.
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